The grief that comes with the shift. I did not see it coming this time.
I am so deeply tired and there is no way I can keep up my walls. They are too heavy. I feel extremely vulnerable while writing this. Because I feel so naked and fragile. And I know you can feel it. I think you can feel it, because I feel you too. And many have gone through this same process.
We are being stripped to our core. Like new born babies, we lay naked. Fresh as a new leaf, the wonder of life being born through us. By non resistance to that which longs to be with us, coming from within us.
While we express ourselves from this new space, in total freedom of that which is experienced. There are no bounderies and no limits to who we can touch. No limits to what we can include in our experience of feeling.
All that I once was is no longer here. And I lost all ground beneath my feet and all sky above my head. I became it all and then nothing at all. I am spinning and I am complete stillness.
I am scattered around and present in each corner of the universe at the same time. While I am compressed and centered in the smallest atom. I am nothing and I am everything.
And I don’t know how to do this. This way of living. And I grief, for what was and what will no longer be. All that I am leaving behind. Opinions, self imposed rules on life, desires, people….
I spoke of love so many times. And I only now understand that it all was exactly that. Love. Even when it felt like hate or indifference. Even when it felt like trauma and anxiety.
It always was gods presence finding a way to express itself through me. I just had to surrender. I just had to let go. Let go of all the things that I once thought I was. And I am grieving for I am releasing so much that I am dissolving.
And I am not sure if I am becoming anything. I think I am not becoming. I am un-becoming everything that I thought I was and in the grieving process of letting it all go.